I Dad It!

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So I’m going to be a dad…. On March 26th or some date close to that I will be a brand new father and that is something I have very mixed feelings about. One minute it’s, “Yeah! My boys are good to go…I’m gonna be a dad!” and the next it’s, “Oh man! How am I going to pay for this? I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

Carissa and I have somehow managed to keep our friendship throughout the ups and downs of this thing. There have been days when remaining friendly has been more difficult than others. There have been lots of 2 hour phone conversations…the awkward, frustrating, difficult kind. There has been exasperation. There has been sadness. There have been moments of laughter and tenderness too. There have been doctor’s visits that were educational to say the least. I wouldn’t recommend this approach but if you ever go through a pregnancy with someone you will certainly get to know them.

Carissa and I are not “an item”. I can’t say we are not together because having a child with someone thrusts you into a kind of togetherness with them whether there is any romantic interest between you or not. I think it’s fair to say that the situation has taken us both by storm. What neither of us could have known was just how difficult it is to be expecting when the mother and father are not together. They don’t write books called, “What to Expect When You’re Separated, Single and Expecting.” (I think that might be a fairly entertaining book though). There is an awareness that this situation is a little outside the natural order. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be done.

I hate to think of my little baby girl as a mistake; Somehow all of this works out for the best in the days and months that are queuing up behind today. Somehow God is working His magic and it’s a blessing, not so much in disguise, but perhaps being pieced together as if it were a puzzle. But there is no denying that I wasn’t planning on procreating just yet. I was perhaps a little irresponsible (that’s a really nice way of saying…I lost my head and wasn’t thinking at all). So maybe she’s in the grand scheme of things. She’s just showing up a lot sooner than I expected.

Most days I wonder about all the same questions and never really get any answers. I wonder about how I’m going to date in the future…there’s always going to be that moment of telling Potential Love Interest that I have a child. I wonder how it’s all going to work being a single dad sharing parenting responsibilities with a single mom. I wonder if it wouldn’t be best for myself and Carissa and Baby Girl if we found adoptive parents for her. At the same time I try to imagine the best possible outcome for all of the above (and several other) scenarios. There’s no point in trying to change reality because it doesn’t change…so I want to make the best of the situation.

I don’t know how all this will work out but in that part of a person’s mind where small wisdoms take hold and quietly make their presence known, I feel a couple of burgeoning wisdoms nudging me. The first is that whatever happens, Baby Girl is going to be an amazing person who deserves to be loved and cherished and recognized for the gift that she is. The second is that the two of us (Carissa and me) need to give this situation our full and undivided attention. In five years time I don’t want to look back at what’s happening now and wish that I’d done more to be a positive factor in all of this. So in the decisions I make today I’m trying to keep that in mind.