I’m worried about where this is heading. Is it heading anywhere? Am I deluded? Should I just ‘get a job’ and do what everyone does? Maybe I should. But I’ve been down that road. I know what happens to me when I’m stuck in a job that I don’t want to be doing. I start to become someone I don’t want to be. I start to come unglued and disheveled. I start to become a bitter old man and I’m not even an old man. I become unhappy about pretty much everything. I start to die….just a little bit….every day. I lose that part of me that loves the sunshine. I forget how much I like to be outside. I forget the joy of feeling wind in my face.
I studied Biology in University. During our third year we went on a “field trip”. It was one of the most gratifying experiences of my college career. I remember coming home after ten days in Itala Game Reserve with scratches all lover my arms and legs from walking through thick African bush. Each day after we’d finished in the field we’d walk down to the river and sit in a small pool of water and check ourselves for ticks. We’d let the tiny fish nibble our skin. Each day we ate lunch off the back of a truck. It was horribly wonderful. At night we’d type our data into computers and then sit by a fire and talk.
The scratches hurt but I was kind of proud of them. I said to someone that walking through the bush, riding on the back of a truck, sleeping in a tent by a river, cooking in a makeshift kitchen for ten days, getting scratched and tick-bitten made me feel alive. I don’t remember most of what I studied… I remember that trip. I remember conversations and truck rides and scenery and moments. I remember it because for those ten days I was more alive than I had been during my entire time at University to that point.
We had to stop working one day because a rhinoceros was too close and the game guard thought he looked agitated. Walking with rhinos makes you feel alive. In 1996 I learned how to play the guitar and I wrote my first song. I still don’t know why or how but something about writing a song; something about performing it for people makes me feel alive the way working too close to a rhinoceros does.
I’ve had people tell me that I should be using my degree instead of working as a waiter. I’ve had people tell me that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. To those people my response is this song.
I don’t like serving sushi one bit. I’m not even sure I like Nashville one bit. I don’t like worrying about money and whether I’m going to earn enough this month. I don’t like the demeaning nature of the job. I don’t like picking up after people and dealing with their “I deserve everything NOW!” attitudes.
I spent seven years in college studying something that I didn’t really want to do because…well..I had to study something. But the moment I wrote that first song I knew what I really wanted to do. There is a deep motivation in me to make this happen. It simmers in my soul. It’s a glowing coal that never dies.
I could give up and go make money designing pharmaceutical drugs, or working with genetically modified somethings. But I don’t want to do those things. I want to write songs. I want to play them for people. I won’t stop trying because…honestly…I can’t. Something inside of me won’t let me.
I studied Biology in University. During our third year we went on a “field trip”. It was one of the most gratifying experiences of my college career. I remember coming home after ten days in Itala Game Reserve with scratches all lover my arms and legs from walking through thick African bush. Each day after we’d finished in the field we’d walk down to the river and sit in a small pool of water and check ourselves for ticks. We’d let the tiny fish nibble our skin. Each day we ate lunch off the back of a truck. It was horribly wonderful. At night we’d type our data into computers and then sit by a fire and talk.
The scratches hurt but I was kind of proud of them. I said to someone that walking through the bush, riding on the back of a truck, sleeping in a tent by a river, cooking in a makeshift kitchen for ten days, getting scratched and tick-bitten made me feel alive. I don’t remember most of what I studied… I remember that trip. I remember conversations and truck rides and scenery and moments. I remember it because for those ten days I was more alive than I had been during my entire time at University to that point.
We had to stop working one day because a rhinoceros was too close and the game guard thought he looked agitated. Walking with rhinos makes you feel alive. In 1996 I learned how to play the guitar and I wrote my first song. I still don’t know why or how but something about writing a song; something about performing it for people makes me feel alive the way working too close to a rhinoceros does.
I’ve had people tell me that I should be using my degree instead of working as a waiter. I’ve had people tell me that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. To those people my response is this song.
I don’t like serving sushi one bit. I’m not even sure I like Nashville one bit. I don’t like worrying about money and whether I’m going to earn enough this month. I don’t like the demeaning nature of the job. I don’t like picking up after people and dealing with their “I deserve everything NOW!” attitudes.
I spent seven years in college studying something that I didn’t really want to do because…well..I had to study something. But the moment I wrote that first song I knew what I really wanted to do. There is a deep motivation in me to make this happen. It simmers in my soul. It’s a glowing coal that never dies.
I could give up and go make money designing pharmaceutical drugs, or working with genetically modified somethings. But I don’t want to do those things. I want to write songs. I want to play them for people. I won’t stop trying because…honestly…I can’t. Something inside of me won’t let me.
Bro, my unedited take is simple. Doing what you want to do becomes a luxury with age.
ReplyDeleteI do what I do simply because it funds the stuff I (+++) need and want. I have never let my job define who I am.
Learning to be content with who we are in Christ will make us happy regardless of our vocation. That said, I don't think we can quit chasing our picture of "ideal". When we grow in Christ it is a "sort-of" slow death and sometimes painful awakening to the wonderful things God has for us. As we die to ourselves daily, our passions are not destroyed, but they are renewed! And ALL for the better.
ReplyDeleteBe encouraged brother. You're a good musician. I was just listening to your cd the other day on the way back from Myrtle Beach. I wish you all the best in whatever your hand finds to do.
Shaun... It's my goal to eventually get to the place where what I want to do and what funds that are exactly the same thing. Being a musician doesn't define me. Being a waiter doesn't define me. So why should I stop striving for the one thing I really want? I won't do that.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of funding...time is as valuable to me as money...time to think...to write...to write songs..to record...to be inspired. In my experience 9 to 5s pay cash money but steal time. Waiting tables pays less money but more time.
The pay off may be around the corner or it may be a few years off. I am convinced that it is out there somewhere. All the musicians that you know about are no different than all the ones you don't know about. They just got their pay off. Bruce Springsteen didn't quit despite circumstances much worse than mine. Now he's an icon. I won't quit.
Sir Wilbur... I know that what you say about contentment is true. I try hard to be content and even grateful for the many blessings I have every day. I don't always succeed and in fact a lot of days I catch myself and sort of apologise to the heavens for my crappy attitude. But I still recognise that where I am is not where I want to be.. I'm not yet in the "ideal" that you speak of.
Thanks for the comments... I love both you guys like brothers.
Few of us have the courage to do what we know is right for us - what you are doing now resonates with your soul - it is therefore the RIGHT thing for you for the time and for the place! I look forward to finding out oneday that you've 'hit the music big time' (I love you songs *gush*)- yet the great thing is that I know you'll be content even if that doesn't happen. God speed!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anonymous. Some call it courage and others call it stupid. Some days it does rest heavy on me and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But in the long run I keep coming back to it so I guess I'll keep on keeping on.
ReplyDelete