I Dad It!

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So I’m going to be a dad…. On March 26th or some date close to that I will be a brand new father and that is something I have very mixed feelings about. One minute it’s, “Yeah! My boys are good to go…I’m gonna be a dad!” and the next it’s, “Oh man! How am I going to pay for this? I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

Carissa and I have somehow managed to keep our friendship throughout the ups and downs of this thing. There have been days when remaining friendly has been more difficult than others. There have been lots of 2 hour phone conversations…the awkward, frustrating, difficult kind. There has been exasperation. There has been sadness. There have been moments of laughter and tenderness too. There have been doctor’s visits that were educational to say the least. I wouldn’t recommend this approach but if you ever go through a pregnancy with someone you will certainly get to know them.

Carissa and I are not “an item”. I can’t say we are not together because having a child with someone thrusts you into a kind of togetherness with them whether there is any romantic interest between you or not. I think it’s fair to say that the situation has taken us both by storm. What neither of us could have known was just how difficult it is to be expecting when the mother and father are not together. They don’t write books called, “What to Expect When You’re Separated, Single and Expecting.” (I think that might be a fairly entertaining book though). There is an awareness that this situation is a little outside the natural order. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be done.

I hate to think of my little baby girl as a mistake; Somehow all of this works out for the best in the days and months that are queuing up behind today. Somehow God is working His magic and it’s a blessing, not so much in disguise, but perhaps being pieced together as if it were a puzzle. But there is no denying that I wasn’t planning on procreating just yet. I was perhaps a little irresponsible (that’s a really nice way of saying…I lost my head and wasn’t thinking at all). So maybe she’s in the grand scheme of things. She’s just showing up a lot sooner than I expected.

Most days I wonder about all the same questions and never really get any answers. I wonder about how I’m going to date in the future…there’s always going to be that moment of telling Potential Love Interest that I have a child. I wonder how it’s all going to work being a single dad sharing parenting responsibilities with a single mom. I wonder if it wouldn’t be best for myself and Carissa and Baby Girl if we found adoptive parents for her. At the same time I try to imagine the best possible outcome for all of the above (and several other) scenarios. There’s no point in trying to change reality because it doesn’t change…so I want to make the best of the situation.

I don’t know how all this will work out but in that part of a person’s mind where small wisdoms take hold and quietly make their presence known, I feel a couple of burgeoning wisdoms nudging me. The first is that whatever happens, Baby Girl is going to be an amazing person who deserves to be loved and cherished and recognized for the gift that she is. The second is that the two of us (Carissa and me) need to give this situation our full and undivided attention. In five years time I don’t want to look back at what’s happening now and wish that I’d done more to be a positive factor in all of this. So in the decisions I make today I’m trying to keep that in mind.

Ahhh Stew

Timothy Pepper’s Ahhh Stew Recipe

Into a large Crock Pot (or other slow stewing device) place the following items:

1. One package of Hillshire Farms Lit’l Smokies Sausages. (Other forms of sausage may be substituted but they should be a rather hardy sausage)

2. 3 normal sized carrots pre-chopped into bite sized pieces (I dare say a 4th or even 5th carrot would not have gone astray)

3. 4 pre-chopped organic celery stalks (I’m certain that non-organic celery will result in an inferior stew)

4. 2 diced tomatoes (I’m aware that there is a vast array of tomato varieties in your local supermarket. You’re on your own here but I imagine any tomato that is good for making sauces would do the job nicely)

5. 5 to 7 small-medium white potatoes and 5 to 7 small-medium red potatoes. (If you are using large potatoes cut them into large pieces or you will end up with a pulpy mess on your hands. If using small potatoes stab them to allow for increased flavor absorption through the skin.)

6. ¾ large diced onion. If you are an onion freak (I’m not) you may wish to use the entire onion.
7. 1 halved jalapeno pepper with the seeds. (You may wish to alter the chili pepper variety and/or number to suit your taste.)

8. 1 pinch of cinnamon or if you have it a cinnamon stick (but then you have to fish out the barky bits when you eat the stew.

9. 3 chopped cloves of garlic.

10. 1 pinch of cayenne pepper. (You may prefer to add a dash but certainly a dollop would be right out of the question)

11. 1 sniff of All Spice (actually I may have used a pinch here as well)

12. 1 can of vegetable soup (mine had alphabet noodles in it which I could have done without…stewing makes them mushy)

13. Top with water until the potatoes are partially submerged.

Turn the stewing device on then leave the house until the stewing process is well under way. Doing so means you get to be pleasantly blasted by the aroma of Tim Pepper’s Ahhh Stew upon your return. When stewing is done stir the contents of the stewing device, spoon some into a bowl and eat with glee. What better way to enjoy your stew than hunkering down in your favorite chair and listening to Tim Pepper’s album Beautiful Frustration (available on iTunes and CD Baby…preview the cd at www.myspace.com/pepperhouse).

Addendum: I forgot to mention there's a can of beans in there somewhere...

Eagles Wings

I must be a little slow or stubborn or both. I’ve been spewing forth ‘wisdoms’ concerning happiness and positivity lately as if I’ve only recently made this discovery. But seriously, this is kindergarten philosophy. This is stuff everyone knows because it’s something our moms and dads teach us.

I spent some time going over my accounts on CD Baby this morning. This year I’ve earned a whopping $34 and change from online sales of my music. I have to admit that although the number is small it still feels good. I noticed though that a lot of people were streaming and/or purchasing the song Eagle’s Wings. That struck me as a little odd because although I like that song a lot, it isn’t the one that I thought would be a standout ‘single’, mainly because it’s under-produced compared to some of the other songs on the album.

It got me thinking about the song though. I wrote it before most of the other songs on the album during my first year of teaching high school Biology. Teaching was the job I fell into after failing to find a job in my chosen field of study. I was hoping to get an awesome, well paid, research job at Merck, Monsanto, Johnson and Johnson or Unilever. I don’t mind telling you I was a little pissed off that after 3 degrees and 7 years in University I got stuck teaching.

If you’ve never been a teacher of any kind I’d like to recommend that you volunteer as a substitute for a week at your local high school. If every adult person did this, salaries for teachers would skyrocket. It’s not fun. There are a few blessed people on this planet who love to teach but I’m not one of them and so my job was a bit like a punishment of some kind. I hope you’re getting the picture I’m painting for you…It’s a self portrait of a miserable man. That was me.

I couldn’t help but notice though, from the bottom of the pit I’d dug for myself, that the young people who I was teaching were vibrant, excited, full of smiles and laughter and joy. I also knew that a lot of them were less fortunate than I, to say the least. Looking back, I realize that writing Eagle’s Wings may have been the point at which I started building myself a ladder to climb out of my hole of despair. Let me tell you it’s been a journey.

The song is about rising above the troubles and woes of life. I figured if my students could do it then I could too. Some five years later I finally start to really get what I was writing about back then. So yes…I think I’m a little slow and a lot stubborn.

Life Is Beautiful

People talk about the sound of raindrops on the roof as a soothing, wonderful sound. Standing on my back porch, drinking a cup of coffee I discovered something better…

Winter’s cold blue fingers have laid hold on my part of the world recently. They haven’t yet gotten a good grip but Winter is certainly winning her arm-wrestle with Autumn. I’m not a fan of Winter. The cold creeps into my bones and makes me a little bit miserable. But here on my porch I’m noticing that when the wintery wind blows and a gentle rain falls it makes a wonderful noise. The dry, dead, brown leaves, recently fallen from their trees rustle against each other and the rain taps them a thousand times every second. It’s one of those noises that you can only hear if it happens to be early winter and a gentle rain is falling near your back porch. It’s a beautiful thing that could be easily overlooked if you weren’t paying attention or if perhaps you were more focused on the coldness of the cold.

In the past few weeks I’ve been somehow gifted with the awareness that life is ok. A while ago I started reading the book, “The Secret” just to see what all of the stink was about. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t buy into everything the book says. My reading of it though coincided with my realization that I had been rather “down in the dumps” for a long time. I wasn’t happy and I was tired of not being happy.

After a lot of reading and reflection this idea planted itself in my head and it’s been growing ever since. It’s not original at all. In fact it’s something I’ve been told my whole life. It’s simply the idea that it’s better to be positive than negative. It’s better to search for the treasure in every situation. Opportunity knocks when you’re looking for it.

If you work hard and keep your head up and are looking for good things then you’re more likely to find them than if you allow your default setting to be negative.
So I bought a new guitar for Christmas and promptly put it to work on writing some new songs. This one is called “Life Is Beautiful”. It’s a demo. It’s rough around the edges. But I like it and I hope you do too. Go here to listen www.myspace.com/timpeppersideb

Getting Happy

You find life in the paper-cuts that happen while you’re filing all your ‘important’ information. You find it happening to you when your eyes are on the horizon. Life is right now. It’s whatever situation you find yourself in. It’s current. It’s relevant. It’s contemporary. Life is not what you will do or become. It’s not your job or your money or your relationships. It’s what you decide to do with everything you have or don’t have right this very second.

As for me…I’m getting happy. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been let down. I’ve been disappointed. I’ve looked for life in the days and years ahead of me. I don’t know how it happened but somehow I realized that all I have is right now. The past is six feet under. The future is anyone’s guess. If this moment were my last I would want people to remember me as a happy person who was a joy to know. So I’m getting happy.

My mother, who is a wonderful person, used to tell me that I could “get glad in the same pants I got mad in”. I used to get madder in my same pants every time she said it. But she was and is right. Sure, life isn’t perfect. I’m not everything I want to be. I don’t have everything I want. There are circumstances I can’t control. But, no matter what is going on in and around my life, I can choose to see the joy and the beauty that is happening everywhere.

If you see me on the street some day and notice that I’m a little down. Remind me of these words that I’m writing by telling me to get glad in the same pants I got mad in.

Attitude is Everything

It still seems a little ridiculous to me but I’m beginning to think it’s absolutely, one hundred percent true. What I’m referring to is the idea that a person can change their own circumstances simply by changing their attitude. I feel like some sort of little league coach telling my bright eyed boys and girls that, “Attitude is Everything!”.

If you’re like me you are thinking something like this, “Attitude schmattitude. You can’t change things with your mind.” Well I’m beginning to think that you can and that you have to if you want to survive and be happy in this life.

Life is pretty random I think. It doesn’t care more for one person than another but it also doesn’t care whether one person is successful and another isn’t. Life just happens. It happens to all of us. You can’t escape it…ok, you can but it’s not recommended. So that means maybe there isn’t some driving force that’s going to lift you up and carry you on golden wings to your ultimate success. But it also means that there’s nothing stopping me or you or anyone else from doing exactly what we want to do.

You generally see what you’re looking for. If you look for hindrances you will find them. I’ve done that a lot in my life and I pre-empted a lot of failures by having a negative attitude at the outset. So why shouldn’t the opposite be true? If I look for opportunities I’ll find them. If I look for pathways or stepping stones to success I’ll find them. If my attitude at the outset is positive and hopeful I’m more likely to get that result.

A continuous positive attitude means a better chance of attaining success in the things I set out to achieve and that in turn will transform my life and my circumstances.

Below is a video and my wish for Christmas is that it will get 1 million views on YouTube. There was a time when such an audacious scheme would have entered my brain and been beaten down by 1 million negative thoughts about why that's not going to happen. You wouldn't be reading this because I never would have gotten this far. Instead I've decided to believe in the possibility and give it a try. So it's working already.

Watch this video and copy the URL to your facebook page. E-mail it to your friends and tell them to do the same.

1 Million Views For Christmas

Here are some fun facts for you:
1. There are over 60 million FaceBook users worldwide.
2. In the US alone there are over 100 million YouTube users.
3. Videos go ‘viral’ every day (ok that last one might not be true..I made it up. But I’m sure it happens a lot.)

Given these fun facts I decided to set myself a goal:
I decided to attempt to generate 1 million views on my YouTube video “Close My Eyes” by Christmas. If I succeed I think I will have given myself a wonderful present this year.
So if you’re reading this and you’d like to help then do the following:
1. Watch the video
2. Copy the URL (located on the right hand side of the video if you go to YouTube. I’ve also included it below) and paste it into your status bar on your FaceBook profile. You can also copy the embed code and paste it into your myspace pages and blogs if you have them.
3. Send this message to friends.

Here’s the code: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jfZ5vXjXYs